Audiobook, n. A way to infuse wonderful literature with shots of long car trips, dishwashing duty, and ketchup stain removal.
Author, n. One whose name is printed on books that were drafted by some else. See writer.
Autobiography, n. A partially true book in which someone tells about his own adventures. See biography.
Biography, n. A partially true book in which someone tells about someone else’s misadventures.
Bookstore, n. A place where one goes to drink coffee.
Classic, n. A book one reads in class. People who read these books outside of class are attempting a form of self-mortification that will, in many cases, leave them with the temperament of Cormac McCarthy.
E-book, n. More real than a graphic novel, even when said graphic novel is in print format.
Historical fiction, n. 1. Novels that people used to read. 2. Social studies textbooks.
Horror, n. 1. A genre that exists because some humans associate fear with adrenaline and enjoy both. 2. The feeling that afflicts a normal person upon observing someone reading a classic outside school grounds.
Iambic pentameter, n. Often used as an incantation to frighten particularly annoying children.
Index, n. Highly valued by college students. Ignored by everyone else.
Poetry, n. The genre whose primary audience consists of its writers.
Prose, n. In college football, players are paid with free passing grades. In the prose, however, players are paid in money.
Rhyme, n. Poems with this quality will not be read by the editors of literary journals. Poems without it will not be read by anyone else.
Science fiction, n. 1. The geocentric theory. 2. A literary genre that is broader than the universe.
Table of contents, n. The library mending desk after all the damaged book covers have been removed.
Thickness, n. The presence of this quality makes a book useful to drop on burglars.
Writer, n. One who composes books for the sake of (other people’s) great fame and (his own) financial survival.