The Dastard’s Dictionary: From Spines to Spinelessness

13 Nov

Note: Yes, I realize that I have been terribly neglecting this blog. However, I am working on a master’s degree in history while working full time, and therefore do not blame myself. Blame may be accepted from other parties, however.

Appendix, n. 1. An organ which scientists once considered useless. 2. A section of a book which is still considered useless.

Appendices, n. A condition that appears after more than one appendix has been cursed with Latin. See appendixes.

Appendicitis, n. An acute condition that occurs in books with more than one appendix. Demands swift surgery.

Appendixes, n. More than one appendix, which form a word so awkward that people curse it with Latin out of pity.

Ballad, n. Notoriously difficult to write: ballad authors frequently struggle over which character should die first, and how gruesomely.

Bibliography, n. 1. Literally, “book writing,” but usually has nothing to do with writing a book. 2. Bible geography, for those with poor diction.

Dewey Decimal System, n. The elegant way of categorizing books, created by Melvil Dewey. He is not to be confused with John Dewey, who preferred categorizing people and then telling them that categories are evil.

Dictionary, n. While this book has never improved anyone’s diction, it is superlative for bemusing the plebian masses.

Encyclopedia, n. An Enlightenment conspiracy.

Free Verse, n. Enslaved to the whims of the poet.

Juvenile, n. Someone young enough to think that growing up is a good idea. This group is particularly fond of books that do not win Newbery Medals.

Library of Congress System, n. The inelegant way of categorizing books. As disorganized as Thomas Jefferson, its inventor.

Limerick, n. If the limerick had not been invented, / English classes would be less demented./ Blame lies on Edward Lear,/ Who was evil, I fear,/ And probably never repented.

Picture book, n. The result when adults draw in books on purpose.

Sonnet, n. Rather like a dream catcher, but for small boys only.

Spine, n. Vertebrates have a spine; invertebrates do not. By these criteria, books are generally considered vertebrates, and politicians, invertebrates.

Spine label, n. Used to mark vertebrates. Invertebrates may be marked with a “Kick me” sign if you can sneak it past security.

Spineless, n. Books falling in this category are generally written by politicians seeking reelection.

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Posted by on November 13, 2015 in Uncategorized


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